A Prelude at the Threshold

And now for something completely different. A personal story before eldritch story time officially begins: an introduction of myself, your narrator, and an illustration of why I created this show in the first place.

I created Liminal Flares because I know how much it would’ve meant to me to find this while growing up as a queer, trans, nonbinary person struggling comprehend themselves amid a relentlessly heteronormative world.

I created Liminal Flares to be found by anyone who needs these haunted and haunting, gender-inclusive tales – be that because we help you feel more seen, valid, and included, or simply because you enjoy otherworldly storytelling that doesn’t exclude anyone based on their gender.

I created Liminal Flares because present day me also needs things like this to exist in this fraught yet wondrous world.

Herein lies the context that makes Liminal Flares so much more than another podcast of spooky stories. (Not that there’s any such thing as too many eerie, atmospheric podcasts!)

Weekly story time commences from here on out. We have such unearthly enchantments in store for you. New episodes every Thursday.⁣ Please share Liminal Flares with your friends.

A few links to things mentioned in this episode:

The Trevor Project study about Gender-Affirming Care for Youth

Your Lessons Now Trans Voice Lessons (follow them @yourlessonsnow)

Recently read books:

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe

Dear Senthuran by Akwaeke Emezi

Between You and Me: Transitional Comics by KC Councilor

Writing & Narration by Maika

Music by The Parlour Trick

Audio Engineering by Meredith Yayanos

Cover art by Daniel Kern

More info at liminalflares.com

Follow us on social media @liminalflares

Transcript
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I learned this, at least by my experiment,

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that if one advances confidently in the direction

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of their dreams and endeavors to live the

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life which they have imagined, they will meet

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with a success unexpected, in common hours.

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They will put some things behind,

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will pass an invisible boundary.

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New universal and more liberal laws will begin

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to establish themselves around and within them;

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Or the old laws be expanded and interpreted

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in their favor in a more liberal sense.

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And they will live with the license

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of a higher order of beings.

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In proportion, as they simplify their life, the

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laws of the universe will appear less complex,

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and solitude will not be solitude, nor poverty

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povertym nor weakness weakness.

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If you have built castles in the

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air, your work need not be lost.

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That is where they should be.

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Now, put the foundations under them.

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-Henry David Thoreau, Walden.

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Published in 1854.

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Hello and welcome.

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This is Liminal Flares - Bedtime Stories

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from beyond and In-between,

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readings of eldritch literature drawn from the

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public domain and amended to be gender-inclusive,

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to remind us all that the relentless heteronormativity

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of this world is a falsehood and that we cannot

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assume to know a person's gender or their pronouns

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based on our own perceptions.

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But more than anything, this is a place for

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haunted and haunting, gender-inclusive story time.

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However, before story time begins, this very first

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episode is about introducing myself, your narrator,

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and sharing how and why this podcast came about.

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My name is Maika.

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I'm queer, transgender, nonbinary,

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and my pronouns are they / them, and xe / xem.

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Oh, one quick note before we really dive in.

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I want to acknowledge that identifying as nonbinary

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means different things to different people.

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While I personally identify as a nonbinary trans person,

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many people identify with a gender

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that falls under the nonbinary umbrella.

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So from here on out,

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please know that when not speaking about myself,

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I'm using nonbinary as an umbrella term.

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The name of this podcast comes from an essay I wrote

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about figuring out my own gender identity,

entitled Liminal Flares:

Unlearning the Gender Binary.

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In that essay, I discussed various things

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I had experienced throughout my life.

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Things that I felt, thought, did, observed,

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things that captivated me, things that troubled me.

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So many different things that I increasingly

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looked back on over the years

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and began to recognize as clues,

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luminous liminal flares sent up for my future self

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to identify and interlink, revealing a winding path

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tthat led to finally seeing myself clearly,

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and understanding that I've always been exactly who I am.

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My gender has always been this liminal,

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untethered thing.

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But I lacked the language to fully comprehend

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and then articulate that for a long time.

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I carried so much anxiety about coming out.

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I worried that it had taken me too long to figure out

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the source of the constant yet inexpressible

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sense of unbelonging

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that permeated every aspect of my life.

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Why I always felt so out of joint with my body,

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with my assigned gender, with other people,

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and with the world itself.

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Forget about being understood

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as a nonbinary trans person.

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I worried that cis people in my life

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simply wouldn't believe me,

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that those who'd known me for a long time

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might feel that I had misled them.

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I worried that other trans and genderqueer people

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would tell me that I was mistaken about myself,

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that I didn't belong among them either.

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I had so many worries about coming out.

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And I say that as someone for whom coming out

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did not immediately put my life, my home,

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or my job in any danger.

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I'm very fortunate to live in one of the US States

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where there are laws prohibiting discrimination

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based on gender identity or sexual orientation.

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Where gender-affirming health care

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for trans and gender-nonconforming children,

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teens, and adults is much more accessible

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than it is in many places.

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Where the state government is not actively trying

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to erase transness, gender variance, or queerness,

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not pointedly working to extinguish trans lives.

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And where it is both possible and relatively

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easy to change one's gender marker to

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a nonbinary or third designation.

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And even so, I still felt anxious, vulnerable, and insecure.

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Writing that essay helped me acknowledge

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and process many of my fears.

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The predominantly supportive responses that I received

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helped ease some of them, too.

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But what helped me the most was speaking with

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other trans and nonbinary people

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about their own experiences.

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I quickly discovered how common my worries were,

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and found tremendous validation

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in the similarity of our experiences,

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for better and for worse.

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The recognition and encouragement that I received

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from each of those wonderful individuals

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was lifesaving.

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It was offered freely and generously

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and made me feel equal parts inspired and indebted

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to do what I could to help validate

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and companion others in turn.

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Publishing that essay felt like sending up

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a wholly new sort of liminal flare.

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This time for others who exist somewhere beneath

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the vast and kaleidoscopically beautiful umbrella

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of gender variance.

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Perhaps they would identify with aspects of my story,

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or simply recognize that it's never too late

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to pick apart and piece yourself together.

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After coming out, I felt new, like I was beginningto

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wake up from a very long dream.

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Which is not to say that my life hadn't felt real before.

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It was just off. I was off.

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And I had spent years searching, blaming,

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mistattributing and suffering in ways

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that had nothing to do with what was actually wrong.

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Now I was still me,

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but openly moving through the world

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with a sense of myself that felt true,

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that made beautiful sense,

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rather than being at odds with literally everything.

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Which brings me to this podcast.

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Well, almost.

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There's one more important piece of context.

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After coming out, I began to transition,

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which in turn meant learning to live and move

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in a body that gradually stopped being something

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it felt like I had to operate from a distance.

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I've described it as existing inside one of the cavities

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on the Operation gameboard,

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desperately trying to avoid touching the metal edges

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because everything inside of me would scream

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each moment it inevitably happened.

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Gradually my body became something I could begin

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to discover how to fully, joyfully inhabit and use

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to authentically interact with the rest of the world.

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For most of my life,

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my voice was a source of intense gender dysphoria.

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Since childhood, long before my egg cracked

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and I understood the why of it all,

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before I even understood that this profound distress

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has a name,

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every time I spoke, my body betrayed me

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by producing a voice that felt and sounded

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terribly, painfully wrong.

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Part of my transition concerned working

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to make my voice feel and sound like my own,

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and that included voice training lessons.

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Shout out to Donny, my outstanding voice coach,

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for making the process so fascinating and fun.

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This podcast would not be possible without you

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and all the work that we accomplished together.

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And to the school itself, Your Lessons Now,

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for making trans voice training so accessible,

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even during lockdown.

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If you or someone you know is interested in voice training,

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I've included links to their website and social media

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in the notes for this episode.

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Between my weekly voice lessons were hours of

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practice for which I was continually pulling books

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from my shelves and looking up monologues

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and poems online, all to read aloud.

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While doing that,

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I experienced the same painful, unavoidable issue

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that I encounter everywhere else in life:

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language that completely ignores gender variance.

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Language that pretends that people outside

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the gender binary do not exist.

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Language that makes me feel invisible

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and tells me that anyone who isn't a woman or a man

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simply doesn't matter.

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If you are nonbinary, genderqueer,

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gender-nonconforming, gender-expansive,

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whatever umbrella term best encompasses

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your own unique gender identity,

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this world continually, actively

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denies your very existence.

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The gender binary,

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the system which classifies every person

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as either female or male,

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based on the gender assigned to them at birth,

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is so extensively intertwined with our society

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and the English language

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that people enforce it all the time,

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sometimes intentionally,

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but typically without ever realizing

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how their word choices instantly other and exclude

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all sorts of people on a broad spectrum

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of gender identity.

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It's inescapable. It's exhausting.

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And it can wear you down.

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For example, the use of collective phrases such as

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"every man, woman and child,"

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or "ladies and gentlemen,"

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or "men and women," "girls and boys,"

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"sons and daughters," "guys and gals,"

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"sisters and brothers," "he or she," "his or hers,"

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and so on, is an act of erasure,

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treating the gender binary as universal

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and summarily excluding anyone

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who is not a woman or a man.

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This sort of casual, habitual erasure occurs everywhere:

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throughout print, broadcast, and new media,

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in workplaces and classrooms,

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at doctors' offices and fitness centers,

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in public restrooms and changing rooms,

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on countless needlessly gendered products,

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in every conceivable type of store,

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in any mention of or discussion about

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sexual and reproductive health

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that only describes them as women's or men's issues.

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It happens whenever abortion rights

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are only addressed as a women's issue.

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And do not get me started

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on the fundamental wrongness

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of gender reveal parties.

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It happens via the assumption

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that people who date

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only have girlfriends or boyfriends,

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that those who are married

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only have husbands or wives.

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It happens on all sorts of paperwork

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and on web forms, in surveys and web analytics.

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It happens in casual conversations, you name it.

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For some of us, it often happens at home.

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If you are nonbinary,

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there are so very many ways

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the world repeatedly tells you that

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you don't merit consideration, let alone inclusion.

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And the impact on individuals living in

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a society that constantly refuses to even

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acknowledge your existence can be devastating.

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Studies by organizations like The Trevor Project have

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shown that it is quite literally lifethreatening.

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Language matters.

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The way we talk about and speak to each other

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overtly and subconsciously affects the way that people

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perceive and value themselves and those around them.

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Whether or not it affects you personally,

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using gender inclusive or gender neutral language,

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as well as learning and then using people's pronouns,

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does more than make nonbinary people feel seen.

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It reminds everyone else that we exist and matter too,

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that we are part of the world, and just as deserving

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of inclusion and representation as anyone else.

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I've read articles and social media posts pushing

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back against implementing gender-inclusive language,

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as well as the use of neopronouns.

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And one of the most common arguments

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or complaints is that it's just "too much work"

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to change the way we communicate.

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It's more than people can remember

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or be bothered to try and remember.

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And you know what?

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Yes. Change is hard.

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Change is not passive.

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It requires effort,

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deliberate, ongoing effort.

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But here's the thing,

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if it's not too much work to learn someone's name

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when you first meet them,

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then you can also learn their pronouns.

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If someone you know somehow changes their name,

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and people do this for all sorts of reasons,

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you don't tell them it's too much work

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to remember to use their new name.

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Or at least, I hope you don't.

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And if it matters to you to call someone

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by the correct name,

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then it should matter every bit as much

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that you're using their correct pronouns, too.

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And remember, these aren't "preferred pronouns."

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They are simply someone's pronouns, period.

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And if you care enough to learn and use

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people's pronouns, you should care enough

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to use language that doesn't pretend the

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world is only made up of women and men.

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Even if that feels awkward.

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That's okay.

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Learning and growth are often

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inherently awkward processes.

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For as much as I'm complaining here,

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I also want to make it clear that

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even the smallest effort makes a real difference.

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For example, if you catch yourself or a friend

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misgendering a person in conversation -

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and we all mess up sometimes -

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Correcting yourself,

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or politely correcting that friend is truly helpful.

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If you mess up and let it slide,

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possibly hoping that the person you misgendered

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didn't notice -

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and I guarantee, we always notice -

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you're doing harm.

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You just are.

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Mistakes are inevitable, and that's okay.

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It's refusing to even try that's harmful.

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Our intentions don't matter if our actions,

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or in this case, inaction,

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still causes pain.

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But I cannot overstate how beneficial it is when

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you catch and correct yourself or that friend.

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All it takes is simply stating the correct pronoun

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and then carrying on with the conversation.

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That's it.

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This truly makes a difference,

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even if only in one person's day.

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You may not have any idea of what else

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is happening in their life right now,

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so making them feel seen, like they matter,

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even just for a moment,

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can have a profoundly positive impact.

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And if the person you misgendered isn't present

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when someone messes up their pronouns,

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correcting each other is still important.

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It makes it clear to everyone present

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that correctly identifying people matters.

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This is modeling and normalizing respectful,

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inclusive behavior for each other.

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And it's how we all get better at this.

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Heteronormative language is something we

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are conditioned with from birth.

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It's so completely woven into society that

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unlearning it and actively being inclusive in

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one's speech requires continuous effort.

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Which, finally, brings me

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to the origins of this podcast.

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Still with me?

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As I was using all sorts of literature for voice practice

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and continually encountering that exclusionary language,

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I finally decided to stop wincing or rolling my eyes,

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and instead tried a little experiment, just for fun.

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As I read aloud, I swapped the outdated

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use of he / him / his as default, catch-all pronouns

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with the neutral pronouns / they / them / theirs.

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I did the same thing for heteronormative assumptions

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about the gender of some characters.

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And I took instances of unnecessarily gendered language,

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such as collective nouns, occupational titles,

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salutations and honorifics,

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and made them all gender neutral.

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These are such seemingly insignificant changes.

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They don't alter the surrounding stories at all.

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And yet, the moment I began to read pieces with

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these little amendments, something shifted for me.

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Gone were all the small yet cumulatively painful

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reminders of otherness.

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Suddenly I could enjoy the stories,

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the scenes, the writing itself,

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and the feel of the words as I spoke them.

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It wasn't just easier to focus on my practice,

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which was my original intention.

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I actually felt better... in myself.

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The more pieces that I amended, the more it felt

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like I was creating little literary havens for myself.

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Places where anything is possible, be it marvelous,

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mundane, horrifying, or somewhere in between,

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without ever smacking into language that

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breaks the spell of the fiction by excluding anyone

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who isn't a woman or a man.

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And I began to wonder, if reading literature with

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these small, inclusive edits made such a difference

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for me, perhaps it might do the same for others.

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There is tremendous value in seeing yourself

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represented in the stories you consume,

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be they books, comics, movies, TV shows,

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video games, songs, plays, whatever.

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The Internet is full of stories from people

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searching for reflections of themselves and celebrating

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the inclusion of people like them, people who share

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the same race, ethnicity, cultural heritage,

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the same disabilities, the same neurodivergence,

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the same sexual orientation,

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and, yes, the same gender identity.

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While it's fair to say that many forms of representation

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are very gradually improving in mainstream media,

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relative to the sheer volume of entertainment

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of all sorts created each year,

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stories seldom feature open, normalized depictions

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of trans, nonbinary, and gender-nonconforming characters.

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On top of that, the very nature of

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heteronormative language makes it crystal clear

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to audiences, whether they realize it or not,

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that anyone who isn't a woman or man,

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a boy or a girl, doesn't exist.

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So not only are most stories bereft of

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nonbinary and genderqueer characters,

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they don't even linguistically allow for

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the possibility that such people might exist.

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Shout out to a few recent exceptions on TV

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that have made an impression on me -

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by which I mean that this should not be taken

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as a complete list of what's out there -

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To Our Flag Means Death for offering so much

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genuine, heartfelt, and affirming nonbinary

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and queer representation.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Vico Ortiz, you are magnificent.

entitled Liminal Flares:

To the earnest and beautiful queer, trans, and nonbinary

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representation on Star Trek Discovery.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Blu del Barrio and Ian Alexander,

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you both make my heart swell.

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To the Umbrella Academy, to Sex Education,

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and to Rutherford Falls.

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And I'm still sad that the live action

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Cowboy Bebop series was canceled.

entitled Liminal Flares:

I desperately wanted to see more of

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Mason Alexander Park as Gren.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Tantalizingly brief though their role was,

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watching them and basking in their fabulousness

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did me an enormous amount of good.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Thank goodness we can now enjoy them

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playing Desire in The Sandman.

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To say nothing of wonderful, wonderful

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John Cameron Mitchell playing Hall Carter

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in the same series.

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By the way, Mason Alexander Park is

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also in the new Quantum Leap revival.

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Anyway!

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Whether you're a child, teen, or some sort of adult,

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it is a terrible feeling to read a story, play a game,

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or watch a movie or show, and constantly be reminded

entitled Liminal Flares:

via the most basic parts of speech

entitled Liminal Flares:

that you aren't considered part of that world.

entitled Liminal Flares:

All of the entertainment that does this

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further reinforces the reallife misconception

entitled Liminal Flares:

that the gender binary is universal.

entitled Liminal Flares:

And it is horribly easy to then fall into the trap

entitled Liminal Flares:

of wondering if you are valid.

entitled Liminal Flares:

When the stories you consume communicate

entitled Liminal Flares:

that people like you don't exist,

entitled Liminal Flares:

when the waking world makes it clear that

entitled Liminal Flares:

you don't even matter enough to be included

entitled Liminal Flares:

in basic grammar,

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what happens to your self-worth?

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So, what I'm here to do with this podcast

entitled Liminal Flares:

is the exact opposite of that:

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to entertain you with eldritch stories and poems

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that do not exclude anyone based on their gender.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Using pieces from the public domain enables me

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to edit them without violating any copyright.

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With a little pronoun switchery and employing

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gender-inclusive terminology in place of

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unnecessarily gendered, heteronormative words,

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I am creating spaces for those of us outside

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the gender binary where there weren't spaces before.

entitled Liminal Flares:

I'm saying, yes, people like you and me exist

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in this or that story, this or that poem,

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this or that fictional world.

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Because no matter how often we are overlooked

entitled Liminal Flares:

or erased by individuals and wider society,

entitled Liminal Flares:

we ARE here.

entitled Liminal Flares:

We have always been here.

entitled Liminal Flares:

And we do matter.

entitled Liminal Flares:

You matter.

entitled Liminal Flares:

And the world is richer for it.

entitled Liminal Flares:

To be very clear, my goal here is not to erase

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all use of the pronouns she / her /hers

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and he/ him / his.

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I am not trying to pretend that women and men,

entitled Liminal Flares:

trans or cis, don't exist.

entitled Liminal Flares:

That's just as harmful as pretending

entitled Liminal Flares:

that nonbinary people don't exist.

entitled Liminal Flares:

And those very same pronouns are also used

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by many nonbinary people.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Others draw from an ever-growing array of neopronouns,

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and some don't use any pronouns at all.

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When amending pieces for this podcast,

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I use the gender neutral pronouns they / them / theirs

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because they can describe a person of any gender,

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which means no one gets excluded.

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If I've done my job well, unless perhaps you are

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intimately familiar with whatever piece I'm reading,

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you may not notice the changes that I've made.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Which is, of course, the entire point.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Heteronormative language assumes and conveys

entitled Liminal Flares:

that all people are either women or men.

entitled Liminal Flares:

By its very nature,

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it excludes even the possibility of anyone else.

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I can't avoid noticing that, which is why the frequency

entitled Liminal Flares:

with which it happens is so detrimental.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Whereas gender-inclusive language

entitled Liminal Flares:

makes room for everyone.

entitled Liminal Flares:

As you listened to the passage from Walden

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that I read at the very beginning of

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this episode, did you notice my edits?

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I often hear people use phrases such

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as "men and women," clearly thinking that

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they are being inclusive by mentioning women.

entitled Liminal Flares:

And while that is an improvement on outdated

entitled Liminal Flares:

sexist language, we can do better than that.

entitled Liminal Flares:

We need to do better than that.

entitled Liminal Flares:

How helpful it would have been for me

entitled Liminal Flares:

and countless others to grow up in a world

entitled Liminal Flares:

that already did better than that.

entitled Liminal Flares:

I will always wonder how much earlier in life

entitled Liminal Flares:

I would have understood my own gender.

entitled Liminal Flares:

How much pain, confusion, and doubt

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I would have spared myself had I seen examples

entitled Liminal Flares:

of trans and nonbinary people from childhood.

entitled Liminal Flares:

Had I read books like Genderqueer by Maia Kobabe,

entitled Liminal Flares:

Dear Senthuran by Akwaeke Emezi,

or Between You & Me:

Transitional Comics

or Between You & Me:

by KC Counselor,

or Between You & Me:

just to name a few of my recent reads.

or Between You & Me:

If I had even heard words like transgender, nonbinary,

or Between You & Me:

genderfluid, or genderqueer.

or Between You & Me:

Had I grown up with language that didn't

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condition me to believe

or Between You & Me:

that there were only two genders in the first place,

or Between You & Me:

even though I knew from a very young age

or Between You & Me:

that somehow I didn't fit either of them.

or Between You & Me:

Instead, I just felt inherently wrong in myself -

or Between You & Me:

all the time -

or Between You & Me:

without understanding why

or Between You & Me:

and without being able to articulate that wrongness,

or Between You & Me:

without understanding that there wasn't

or Between You & Me:

actually anything wrong with who I am.

or Between You & Me:

I will never know what difference that would have made

or Between You & Me:

for me, and there's nothing that I can do about that.

or Between You & Me:

But I can try to help other people feel seen,

or Between You & Me:

valid, and included.

or Between You & Me:

I am not saying that this little podcast

or Between You & Me:

is going to change the world,

or Between You & Me:

but beyond the heteronormative status quo,

or Between You & Me:

in the face of increasingly aggressive efforts

or Between You & Me:

to silence and erase queerness, transness,

or Between You & Me:

and gender variance,

or Between You & Me:

my hope is that this podcast will help more

or Between You & Me:

people feel like they belong in this world,

or Between You & Me:

to help them stoke their own flares,

or Between You & Me:

liminal and otherwise.

or Between You & Me:

So to all of you out there beneath this vast

or Between You & Me:

and kaleidoscopically beautiful umbrella

or Between You & Me:

of gender variance:

or Between You & Me:

You matter.

or Between You & Me:

You count.

or Between You & Me:

I see you.

or Between You & Me:

I know that this can be hard.

or Between You & Me:

I know that there are truly terrifying

or Between You & Me:

and incredibly harmful things happening

or Between You & Me:

in the world right now.

or Between You & Me:

Just as I know that for me,

or Between You & Me:

being queer, transgender, and nonbinary

or Between You & Me:

is amazing and beautiful.

or Between You & Me:

Each time I feel myself erased, I think of you.

or Between You & Me:

I remind myself that you exist too.

or Between You & Me:

I remind myself of how much it sucks that

or Between You & Me:

you know what this erasure feels like too.

or Between You & Me:

Each instance of erasure then becomes a moment

or Between You & Me:

when I actively try to remember that I am not alone.

or Between You & Me:

In thinking of you, in seeing you,

or Between You & Me:

I strive to make my own liminal flare feel visible.

or Between You & Me:

May these haunted and haunting stories and poems,

or Between You & Me:

amended to be gender-inclusive,

or Between You & Me:

read to you by a nonbinary trans person,

or Between You & Me:

help you and / or people you know and love

or Between You & Me:

feel more valid and seen.

or Between You & Me:

And may we all help illuminate each other.

or Between You & Me:

Thank you for listening to our first episode

or Between You & Me:

of Liminal Flares.

or Between You & Me:

I hope you've enjoyed our time together

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in this twilight space.

or Between You & Me:

Our music is by The Parlor Trick.

or Between You & Me:

Audio engineering by Meredith Yayanos.

or Between You & Me:

If you have a favorite author or a specific piece of writing

or Between You & Me:

- a short story, poem, or passage from a book -

or Between You & Me:

that's in the public domain in the US,

or Between You & Me:

I welcome your requests for future episodes.

or Between You & Me:

You'll find links to archives of public domain literature

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in the resources section of our website,

or Between You & Me:

liminalflares.com,

or Between You & Me:

where you'll also find more information about us,

or Between You & Me:

this show, and individual episodes as they air.

or Between You & Me:

Submit your request via the website or

or Between You & Me:

via social media @liminalflares,

or Between You & Me:

where you can follow us to learn about future episodes

or Between You & Me:

and keep up with what's happening behind the scenes.

or Between You & Me:

Next time on Liminal Flares,

or Between You & Me:

I stop going on and on about myself

or Between You & Me:

and why I'm doing this,

or Between You & Me:

and kick things off properly by reading

or Between You & Me:

The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe.

or Between You & Me:

This was the very first piece that I amended

or Between You & Me:

just for myself,

or Between You & Me:

so it seems fitting that we should begin there together.

or Between You & Me:

I do hope you'll join me.